It takes courage to admit that you are abusing your partner. But if you really want to change, you can.

If you are abusing your partner you’ve learned to use violence and abuse to control them. But what you’ve learnt can be unlearnt. Counselling of any kind will not work unless you accept the fact that abusive behaviour is about control. Without change, things will most likely get worse with time.

To successfully change you must

  • Face the truth – it’s about your behaviour, not your partner, drugs, alcohol or stress
  • Understand your anger and desire to control
  • Make a choice – you can choose to be abusive and you can choose not to be
  • Seek help from professionals
  • Accept that your partner has a right to live without being dominated and controlled

Who should I contact for help?

If you genuinely care for your partner you should get help

Respect – the national association for domestic violence perpetrator programmes and associated support services – can help you find a programme. Contact them on freephone 0808 802 4040 or via

And if I don’t change?

Abuse is against the law; criminal prosecution and imprisonment may well be your fate and your partner may choose to leave.